Without the ability to have a good meal, even Chinese food, to fall a sleep, even in midnight, I have tolerated such life for a whole month which is my forth month in US.
If there were no Chinese word, no “didi” from OICQ, any pictures and videos saved in my laptop, no moving music, no paying attention to my email, blog, MSN, QQ, I would not be able to write this blog.
I never want to acknowledge that I am fragile because I do not think there are any relationships between this and fragility, nor does maladjustment. That is just a whoop from the bottom of my heart, hoping to penetrate the fact which seems like a dream. I still persist in my opinion that I am not sure if this is a fact because everyday the role is changing too fast which I feel like a drama that whenever I want, I can just watch the next without worrying what have happened or not. I do not like such kind of pain. What I really want is when I am lying on the bed; I can feel I am in USA or even happily. But so remarkable simply thing develops so complex that I do not want to see my best friends, my family, my country in my dream or I even do want my dream.
Everyday without busy study, I do not know what I have done. In this month, there is 4 tests which have filled all the month so that I even do not know what the building beside our school is used for. For the tests, I have stopped all my class, so I do not have new classmates. With my friends’ one by one leaving, with the steps of the Spring Festival, with the increasing tests, I finally know that I am so lonely. Nobody can ask me “How is everything going?” Nobody can send me message that “happy festival”. No impulsion leads me to check my email everyday. What leave for me is the heartrending pictures, videos, and music. I have to choose to sit in a lonely corner to read my SAT book, listening to the music with some tears or even without tears.
To think of going back to China becomes so strong that when I saw me friends taking air tickets, packing their bags, crazy shopping, thinking the time, I was just sitting nearby quietly. I try to love this city, those people, every minute in USA, actually I have done all of these, but I fail easily when the sky becomes dark. After thinking twice, the most harvest I have gotten for these 4 months are my friends whose traits are different who have been in all over the world again. Tomorrow, I have to say goodbye to two of my friends which means I will be lonelier next month. I am longing for the Spring Festival just like waiting for New Year. I bought messages by paying a mount of money for the happiness in an uproar. I still like my own swordsman even I can already recite all the details just because I can find lots of treasure I lost.
Sometimes, the terry is not the surfs ocean, not the alp, but the extraordinarily quiet water just like the death which is the moment timed that neither a flower nor a tree loses its life instantaneously and quietly. Every day’s life is simplified from sleeping, waking up, studying, eating to sleeping, sometimes even omitted some parts. In such quiet, I remember a famous saying that “it either breaks out in silence, or dies out in reticence.” I am hoping challenges and halting at the top of the wave.
New challenges and new life defy my utmost and my innovation. Actually this quiet life is also a kind of challenge, measureless missing are also becoming new powers and unable to eat and sleep also can be what I want to depend on. The real life can never be consummated: peace can not replace surge and surge can not be better than peace. But everything can be a new attempt, a new start and a new peak. I only want a fulcrum that can help to halt at the top of the wave.
Since I am willing to be different, but in the ocean, I have to follow up and down with the fluctuation of the wave. However, this just is the new experience. With the fluctuation, I can know what the direction I am walking on is. Nobody can control the wave, but the direction you will face can be controlled by yourself. The ocean is boundless, but there is only one direction which fits you completely and you will never be repentant of. In the boundless ocean, I only want a fulcrum that helps to halt at the top of the wave.
It is the wave that is hitting on me, that tries to topple me over and that obstructs from my advancing. At the same time, it also evokes me, supports me and sends me to the far place. There is no end of the ocean and the sky, but there is another thing can be compared to the ocean and the sky’s boundless which is called determination. The wave is not frightfulness, because it is my opponent, my aim, and my motility. In the boundless ocean, I only want a fulcrum that helps to halt at the top of the wave. I know there will be hardness, but only the wave can bring me to the end of the sky.
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